DAILY JOKE

Earl was enjoying his normal Saturday afternoon activities, (watching bass fishing, eating pork rinds, and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon) when his wife came storming in the trailer.

“I want you to get up and kick this guy’s ass!” she exclaimed.

Earl, being a man of pride, jumped up and said, “What did that bastard do to you?”

She said, “Well I was at the market and I dropped a melon, when I went down to pick it up he looked under my dress.”

Earl was fuming now!

Then he looked me in the eyes and said, “I would like to fill you up with ice cream and eat it all up!”

Hearing this Earl immediately sat back down.

She replied, “Well aren’t you gonna do something?”

Earl looked at her and said, “I’m not gonna fuck with anyone who can eat that much ice cream.”

MADAGASCAR

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there’s
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it’s a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What’s so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, “If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes.”

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
“Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies “Your house.”

The Wine Connoisseur

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here”, says Bubba, “It’s Zeb Jones’ grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing”, says Earl, “here’s one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Jeb yells out, “But here’s a fella that died when he was 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Georgia.”.

CARCASSONNE

The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was “TIMBUKTU”.

The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.

Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:

Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down.

ANDORRA

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called ‘rodeo’.

His friend said, “No what is it?”

“Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her and cup her breasts with both hands. Then you say, ‘Boy these are almost as nice as your sister’s’.

Now see if you can hang on for eight seconds.”

CASCASTEL DES CORBIERES

A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time, redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to fuck the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.”

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

“Well,” said Ed, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”

INDIA

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, “We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor
goes to the elderly couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex
for the two weeks?”

The old man replies, “No problem at all, Pastor.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church.” said the pastor. The pastor
goes to the middle aged couple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?”

The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I
had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.

“Congratulations!
Welcome to the church.” said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the
newlywed couple and asks, ‘Well, were you able to abstain from sex for
two weeks?”

“Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,”
the young man replied.

“What happened?” inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took
advantage of her right there.”

“You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church,” stated the pastor.

“That’s OK.” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at Safeway anymore,
either.”

SWITZERLAND

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is
barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is
looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on
someone’s front lawn.

“Look”, he shouts “What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?”
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies “They are having sex.
Don’t tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?”

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex
doggie style. So the passenger says, “You have to try it. Its pretty
cool. Here’s what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife
a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual
position.”

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a
try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the
passenger asks, “Well, how did it go?” To which the driver replies, “It was
great.
But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.”

CARCASSONNE

Thier was this kid that always got picked on at school. everyday his friends and kids that whent to school always said to him f**k you.well the dumb kid always was curious about what
the word f**k means. one day he got real
sad and wanted to know what it meant,so he ran home and rushed in the house screaming out for his father. he yelled
“pah”and then his pa came out and asked what hell you want boy? the boy said “pah” what does f**k mean. and then his pah said son i think its time you knew what f**k mean. pah then yelled out “mah” get down here son want sto know what f**k mean. mah comes down stairs pah says mah take off your clothes and get in your posission.he turns to his son and said son you see that pink spot on mah.”uh huh”watch your pah go to work. then the boys sister came in the door and says what are they doin? the boy turns his head
and with a smile he says they fuckin.
sister says what does f**k mean.

WELL YOU SEE THAT BROWN SPOT ON PAH”uh huh” WATCH YOUR BROTHER GO TO WORK.

MADAGASCAR

This joke sucks….

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and
says, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time
he whispers in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

NARBONNE

2 rednecks are talking…

“Yo, how do you protect yourself from AIDS?”

“I wear a condom all the time”, replies the other.

“Do you ever take it off?”

“Yeah, when I go to the bathroom and during sex!”

SWAZILAND

Q: Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the toy store?

A: She was caught sitting on Pinocchio’s face and shouting
“Lie lie lie!”

Montpellier

ZipperGate Update…

In a deal engineered by veteran mouthpieces Stein and Cacheris, Ms.
Lewinsky has apparently headed off possible perjury charges by offering a
full throated confession to Kenneth Starr. Sources close to the
investigation report Starr is pumping Ms. Lewinsky for details concerning
an oral pact with Mr. Clinton to withhold evidence. Although the
independent prosecutor’s team will drill Monica prior to her testimony,
beltway observers do not anticipate a full dress rehearsal.

GERMANY

TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The
followingis a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren’t in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times
you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling, 4
times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and
tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get
more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty
book
98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.
on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed
and were fucking the sheets. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was ,”Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?” The time you felt
me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

NARBONNE

2 rednecks go to a whorehouse and knock on the door.

“What do you want?”

“We want chicks!”

“How much money ya got?”

The redneck search their pockets and come up with 50 dollars.

“For that much money, go and fuck yourselves.”

5 minutes later the rednecks return…

“We fucked ourselves, now we came to pay.”

CARCASSONNE

Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Judi: That’s nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

ENGLAND

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.

“Listen,” says the Doctor, “I have migraines, too and the advice I’m
going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school,
but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I
get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and
see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migraines for
17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “you have a REALLY nice house.”

ZEITGEIST

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

+————————————————————————
On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their “urges”.

The lady said “If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don’t want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice.”

The gent said “OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don’t want it,
pull my DONG 48 times.”

CELEBRITY GOSSIP

“The Seven Dwarfs were all in bed feeling Happy-then he got out of bed
so they felt Grumpy instead…..”

Montpellier

What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk doesn’t have to go to those stupid meetings.

Life in France