DAILY JOKE

Could this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus?

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.
“I call my man ‘Eight,’ ” said the first woman, “Because he’s got
eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.”
The second woman said in response, “I call my man ‘Ten’because his dong
is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night.”
The first woman then asked the third woman “What do you call your man?”
She answered ” ‘Creme de Menthe.’ ”
“Why? Isn’t’ that a liqueur?” the other two wanted to know.
“Yep, it is,” said the woman, continuing, “yeah, you betcha!”

TANZANIA

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you
are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying
that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman
responded, “this may very well be the solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?”

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

PORTUGAL

Whats the difference between a regular toad and a horney toad?

A regular toad croaks “Ribbit Ribbit” while a horney toad croaks “Rub-it
Rub-it”

ISRAEL

What’s the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky’s
wardrobe?

When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

INDIA

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a
poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks “why are you here?”
The schnauzer responds, “I’m 17 years old. I don’t see or hear very well.
I’ve been having accidents in the house. My owner says I’m too old and sick
so he brought me here to be put to sleep.”
The schnauzer asks the poodle “why are you here?”
The poodle responds, “I’ve not been myself lately. I’ve been especially high
strung. I’ve been barking all the time, I’ve been snapping at people and I
even bit one of the neighbor’s kids. Nobody knows why this has been
happening. My owner says he can’t risk me biting somebody else so he brought
me here to be put to sleep.”
The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The great Dane responds: “My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday
she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick
up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over
and the next thing I know I’m on top of her doing the doggie thing. I
couldn’t help myself. ”
The poodle asks: “so she brought you here to put to sleep?”
“Oh, no…., I’m just here to get my nails trimmed.”

EGYPT

You might be a Redneck if your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.

EGYPT

Why does a redneck have a brain the size of a peanut in the summer?

Because it dilates.

CELEBRITY GOSSIP

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit!…

FRANCE

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, “Well, aren’t you going to ask me?”

“Ask you what?” replied the trucker.

“If I’m a boy or a girl,” answered the youth.

“Don’t matter,” replied the trucker. “I’m gonna screw ya’ anyway.”

CELEBRITY GOSSIP

There was a men who is lost in a forest during a storm. He came to a house and knocked on the door. A farmer came out and asked, “what the hell do you want?”

The man asked, “Could I spend a night here?”

“Sure, but you can’t touch my daughter.”

So the man was sleeping that night, when the daughter came in. And that night, they did it. The next night, they did it, too. The next night, they did it, again.

Until one night, the daughter said to the man, “I am tired of doing it in your room.”

So the man went to the daughter’s room and did it. The next night, they did it The next night, they did it, too The next night, they did it again.

They have done it in every single room in the house EXECPT the father’s room.

So one night they decided to go to the father’s room and do it. When they went in, the father has fallen deep into sleep.

The man asked, “what the hell is that hairy thing in his bed?”

The daughter said, “it’s his hairy ass”

So the man and the daughter were doing it in his room for 2 weeks and they loved it.

But unfortunatly, one day, the father came to the man and go, “we need to talk.”

“What, I didn’t have sex with your daughter!”

“I will tell you the truth, I don’t care if you have sex with my daughter anymore, just don’t use my hairy ass as a score board!”

DUBAI

A Schneider driver was broke down on the side of the road, and here comes J.B. Hunt, pulls up behind the Schneider truck gets out and walks up to the Schneider driver,

J.B: What happened driver, did you break down?

Schneider: Yeah I did

J.B. Well, I’ll give you a ride up to the next truckstop, it’s only about 15 miles up the road.

As J.B. was driving down the road, Schneider was staring out the window into the field. All of a sudden, Schneider started hollering, Pull over and stop!!!

J.B. driver wants to know what’s wrong?

Schneider: Nothing is wrong, just pull over, this will only take a few minutes.

Schneider jumps out of the truck, runs to the field, grabs a sheep, sticks it’s head into the fence, drops his pants and just starts humping the hell out of that poor old sheep.

J.B. jumps out of the truck, runs across the field, asks Schneider What the hell are you doing?

Schneider: What the hell does it look like, why do you want some J.B.?

J.B. Yeah I want some, but only if you don’t stick my head in that fence.!!!

FRANCE

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroy says, “Hey Jasper, there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”

“But we’s privates,” protests Jasper.

“We’s sergeants now, “says Leroy, pulling him inside.

“Now, Jasper, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’s privates,” says Jasper. “Are you blind, boy?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’s sergeants now.”

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.” So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. “Jasper,” he says, “why did you give me the okay sign?”

“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes. “But we’s sergeants now!”

The Wine Connoisseur

1. “None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.”
2. “Hey, shut up! I can’t hear the race.”
3. “Dating your own sister? Man, that’s sick!”
4. “My God, this is a splendid Merlot!”
5. “Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We’re trying to watch a race here!”
6. “Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my atache case.”
7. “What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!”
8. “These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!”
9. “Whew! No more beer for me, fellas.”
10. “And now… Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!”

ZEITGEIST

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”

“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a moment and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, he returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

EGYPT

Farmer: I’ve got a bull that’s right off it duties. It’s got to service 300 cows and all it wants to do is eat.

Vet: Give it one of these little pills in its feed and stand back.

So 2 weeks later the farmer comes back to the vet:

Farmer: WOW, what a pill! I gave the pill to the bull like you said and POW! It jumped over the gate, ran down the lane and fucked 70 cows in 30 minutes.

Vet: So, what’s the problem – why have you come back?

Farmer: Well, I was wondering, I am meeting this 18-year-old tonight – could you give me one of those tablets? I’m not as young as I was.

Vet: Oh, no! Sorry, it’s too strong but I will give you a quarter of a pill.

So the farmer takes the pill and goes off to prepare for his date. Several days later, the farmer goes back to the Vet.

Farmer: Hello, Vet. Wonderful. 40 Times.

Vet: So, why have you come back? Farmer: Ah! I need something for my wrist – she never showed up!

One day there was this farmer. He had 3 daughters and they each had a date on Saturday night. The first date comes to the door. the farmer answers the door. The first date says, “Hi my name is Joe, I’m here to take your daughter Flow to eat some dough.”

The farmer says sure. Soon the second date comes to the door, “the date says hi, I’m Freddy, I’m here to take your daughter Betty to eat some spaghetti.” The farmer goes sure.

Then the last date comes to the door. “he say hi, my name is Chuc-k…”The farmer goes “Get the hell out of my house!!!

Life in France

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. ‘So, they’re trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I’ve got to do something about this.’ He walks up to the new bird and says, “So you’re the new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot stuff, don’t you? Well, I’m not ready for the chopping block yet. I’ll bet I’m still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We’ll run around it ten times and whoever finish’s first gets to have all the hens for himself.”

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. “You’re on,” said the young rooster. “And since I know I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easy,” said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he’s still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster’s lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . “Damn, that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.”

The Wine Connoisseur