DAILY JOKE

Arkansas State Residency Application

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name:(_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________ Father’s Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO ___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis ___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don’t know

DURBAN CORBIERES

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

“1. Open your fly. 2. Take out your equipment. 3. Pull back the skin. 4. Do your business. 5. Let the skin forward. 6. Stow your equipment. 7. Close your fly.”

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7.”

She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, “3-5, 3-5, 3-5.”

DURBAN CORBIERES

Why do rednecks eat beans on Saturday?

So they can have a bubble bath on Sunday.

http://wine.the-world-in-focus.com

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all.

The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.

By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says “hmmm – that’s weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn”.

CELEBRITY GOSSIP

I know Daddy’s password!
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, “I know Daddy’s password! I know Daddy’s password!”

“What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, “Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!”

CELEBRITY GOSSIP

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache…

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

The Wine Connoisseur

What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Florida have in common?

They both end up in trailer parks.

DURBAN CORBIERES

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as “Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.” It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, “Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.”

ZEITGEIST

Why are rednecks so stupid?

Because when God was making people the rednecks were late.

So God said:

“Son I only have beauty and stupidity left. Which one do you want?”

“Well, everyone knows that beauty is only skin deep. So …..”

We all know the rest.

Life in France

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked , “What’s this, Paw?”

The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is!”

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, “Go get your maw!”

CELEBRITY GOSSIP

Three rednecks were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village while in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, “Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.”

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, “Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput.” He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information.”

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: “Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin.”

The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!”

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.”

The attendant says, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself.”

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he’s a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: “Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing.”

CELEBRITY GOSSIP

How long does a redneck cook his meat?

Until the tire tracks disappear.

ZEITGEIST

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The young engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Life in France

A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.

“Congratulations!” says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, “Would you like the bridal then?”

“Naw, thanks,” says the cowboy. “I reckon I’ll just hold her by the ears ’til she gets the hang of it.

THE WORLD IN FOCUS

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots
of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a
surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where
the cake was placed.

Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and
immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of
him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes
of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:

“I’m just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is
a gynecologist!”

ZEITGEIST

A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,

“Afternoon sir”, the ranger says, “You got an Alabama duck hunting license”?

“Yes I do”, the redneck replies.

The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it’s bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, “Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?”

“Yes I do sir” , the redneck says,

So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, “well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?”

“Yes I do sir” the good ole boys says.

“Well dang son where you from?” the ranger says.

The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:

“Well you tell me buddy!”

Life in France

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking
what time the bar opens. “It opens at noon,” answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even=
drunker. “What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before… Noon,” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.
“Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I
can have room service send something up to you.”

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”

CELEBRITY GOSSIP

A redneck’s trying to become a naturalist. First, he decides to study the flea. He takes a flea and puts it on a white piece of paper and yells: “JUMP!”

The flea jumps, so the redneck cuts his legs off.

“JUMP!”, he yells. But this time the flea doesn’t jump.

Pleased with himself, the redneck writes in his entry book: “After having his legs cut off, the flea became deaf.”

Life in France

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?

A full set of teeth.

VILLENEUVE LES CORBIERES

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, “you’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker”.

The man quickly responds, “the attorney’s”.
The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”
The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney’s probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s!”

The Wine Connoisseur