Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like
forever. He’d waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing.
Finally David, his playing partner, asked, “Why on Earth are you taking
so long to make this shot?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make
this shot a good one,” said Bob.
“Good Lord,” said David, “you haven’t got a chance of hitting her from
here.”
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.
“Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s
have another round to
Ireland.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s
have another drink to
Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you
go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man, “I graduated in ‘62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s
and I graduated in ‘62,
too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going
on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Mally twins are drunk
again.”
While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn’t enjoy it.
Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly
unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then
quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: “What happened, did I hurt you ?”
“Why no, not at all,” said his surprised wife. “Whatever made you ask
that ?”
“Well, no reason actually,” the bored husband replied with a sigh,
“It’s just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved.”
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?
If so, do you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends?
“Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to
second base!”
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What’s a
person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity. But let’s face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
Bases.
First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.
–First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy
I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.
–Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.
–Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.
–Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions?
Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
further ado…
Standardized Guide to the Bases!
–On Deck- Having plans for a date
–Strike-Out- Duh!!
–Walk- Kissing
–Bunt- Masturbation
–Single- Tongue kissing
–Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of
grabbing and feels
–Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
masturbation
–Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
–Home Run- SEX!
–Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
–Error- Condom breaks during sex
–Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
–Hall of Fame- Marriage
Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
–Balk- Premature ejaculation
–Pine Tar- KY jelly
–Relief pitcher- Vibrator
–Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
–Box Seats- Waterbed
–Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
–Rookie- Virgin
–Minor Leagues- Under 18
–Loaded Bases- manage a trois
–Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
–Foul tip- VD
–Three up and three down- impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast
the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it’s hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in
a relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot of
the confusion and helps you out.
I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America’s favorite pastime!
Douglas K. Blystone
————————————————
Rule 2.
Section3.
The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point not
specifically covered in the rules.
An Irishman’s been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls
home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“How did you know?” he asks.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosum is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson
in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it’s Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish It’s Big Johnson giving everything he’s got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and
wins by a head.
Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.
The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to
the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
When she had finished, the husband’s lawyer rose to his feet and
coolly replied, “Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing
of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed
‘bored’.”
“Hey Bill, I heard you can download the whole
Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet”.
“No kidding? How much memory will it take up?”.
“Not much, just two Bytes.”
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched
backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. “One
thing about Jim,” his buddy said to the bartender, “he knows
when to stop.”
On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local
brothel and the madam said, “You’ll have to wait.”
“But there’s lots of girls that aren’t busy right now.”
“Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs.”
“Listen, I’m pretty desperate. I don’t need a room.”
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of
the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate
the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But
it’s a very cold night, and they freeze to death and
fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over,
staggers to the door, and knocks.
“Go away!” says the madam. “We don’t allow drunks in here!”
“I don’t want in,” says the drunk. “I just wanted to tell
you that your sign fell down.”
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following
conversation took place:
First Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word. So they ask him, ” You haven’t said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut
off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, ‘Golf Course or Intercourse?’
So she says, “Wear your sweater.”
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices
two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of
the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of
the other.
“So what’s going on here?” he asks.
The bikie replies “My mate here has had too much to drink and I’m
trying to make him vomit.”
The cop says “I think you should be sticking your fingers down his
THROAT!”
The bikie replies “That’s what I’m going to do next!”
“What’s this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Pam ?” said
her closest friend.
“Well,” Pam confirmed, “although his diamond was of pretty good
quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired.”
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss
Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “hey
Sweetheart, how’d you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million
Dollar Bar?” Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,
and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn’t help but grab her
delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker
and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat
and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!” Soon she was
fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn’t be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of
the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said,
“Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said “Look you little Reese’s
Pieces, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey?” (What a piece
of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack,
you’re better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong
up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was
giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty, when all the sudden…my
Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough,
nine months later, out popped………..Baby Ruth!
There was a drunk man walking down the street turning
his car keys back and forth.
A policeman came up to him and asked, “Sir, what are you doing?”
The drunk replied, “I am looking for my car, the last time I saw
it, it was on the end of these keys.”
The police officer said, “Sir, do you know your zipper is down?”
The drunk replied, “Shit, I lost my wife, too!”
A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is
sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!
Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to
gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and
proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he
finishes the disgusted bartender says “Why in the hell did you shit on my
bar?” The drunk replies “Even Elvis had to clear his throat!”
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round
and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is
a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact,
she’s very attractive. He’s interested and suggests that they
play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close
match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift
when he sees she doesn’t have a car. All in all it’s been a highly
enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning’s
company and competition and says she hasn’t enjoyed herself
so much on the course for a long time. “In fact,” she says, “I’d
like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated
everything.” He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her
appreciation…
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests
they play together again. He’s actually quite competitive and
slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they
have a magnificent day, enjoying each other’s company and
playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at
the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her
appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.
This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the
car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he
has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner
for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of
passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can’t agree to
this. He can’t work out what the fuss is about but eventually she
admits the reason.
“You see,” she tearfully sobs, “I’m a transvestite.”
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to
a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
“I’m sorry,” she repeats.
“You bastard,” he screams, red in the face, “You cheating
bastard. You’ve been playing off the red tees all week!!”
I can’t help but wonder sometimes though why lovemaking is almost
always referred to in theatrical terms. For example, surely you’ve
heard men refer to their “performance”. Well, even these days I don’t
have a lot of trouble with that.
But… since I’m now past fifty, the “encores” are getting tuffer and
tuffer.
A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.
She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls
around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The
drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of
vomit, and slurs, “I don’t remember eating that!”
At The Superbowl
Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in the last row in the corner of the stadium — he is closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse
me, is anyone sitting here?”
The man said “no”.
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!”
The man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“That’s really sad,” says Bob, “but still, couldn’t you find someone
to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”
“No,” the man replied, “they’re all at the funeral.”