DAILY JOKE http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com One Joke at a time! Fri, 03 Jul 2009 18:27:44 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.5 en hourly 1 Vacation Advice ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=40 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=40#comments Fri, 03 Jul 2009 18:27:44 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=40 Bob says to Lester, “You know, I reckon I’m about ready for a vacation, only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.” Lester says, “So what you gonna do different this year?” Bob says, “This year, I’m takin’ Marie with me…”

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=40 0 Redneck Logic ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=83 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=83#comments Thu, 18 Jun 2009 09:03:24 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=83 Redneck logic:

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

“What’s Logic?” the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?” “I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” says the redneck. The professor continues, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.” Impressed, the redneck says, “Amazin!” “And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.” “That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck is obviously catching on. “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor. “You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’ ?” asks the friend. “Math, History, and Logic!” replies the first redneck. “What in tarnation is logic???” asked his friend. “Let me give you an example.

Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re QUEER, ain’t ya?”

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=83 0 Martha’s Redneck Tips http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=45 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=45#comments Wed, 11 Mar 2009 16:22:20 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=45 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first
date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to
school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=45 0 Pilot Brothers ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=41 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=41#comments Wed, 11 Mar 2009 15:57:40 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=41 The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?” The young man looks at him and says, “I pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asks, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?” The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=41 0 A Redneck’s Kindness ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=43 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=43#comments Wed, 11 Mar 2009 15:55:05 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=43 An Irishman in a wheelchair rolls into a bar and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looks over at the bar and asks the waitress, “Is that Jesus?” The waitress says that it is, so the Irishman says, “Give him a cup of coffee… I’ll pay.”

A few minutes later, an Englishman with a humped back walks in and asks the waitress for a cup of tea. He then asks the waitress, “Hey… is that Jesus over there?” The waitress nods and so the Englishman says, “Give ‘im a cup of tea… on me.”

A few minutes later, a Redneck walks in on a pair of crutches. He says, “Hey, sweet thang… how’s ’bout an ice-cold coke. Holy smokes… is that Jesus?” The waitress says, “Sure is.” So, the Redneck says, “Give the ol’ boy a coke… put it on my tab.”

Later, Jesus gets up to leave, walks over to the Irishman, touches him and says, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Irishman gets up out of his wheelchair and dances a jig out of the door.

Jesus walks over to the Englishman, touches him and says, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Englishman stretches out his back and does backflips out the door.

Jesus walks over to the Redneck. Then, the Redneck gets up, backs away, and says, “Stay away from me… I’m drawin’ disability!”

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=43 0 Redneck Mom’s Letter ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=44 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=44#comments Wed, 11 Mar 2009 15:38:43 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=44 Dear Son, I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won’t be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen ‘em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn’t make the final payment on Grandma’s funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether if it is a boy or girls so don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn’t get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don’t get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.Love, Ma

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=44 0 My Forehead ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=46 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=46#comments Tue, 30 Sep 2008 07:17:38 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=46 A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix
the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead?
I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is
working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was
either screw him or bake him a cake.”

He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

FRANCE

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=46 0 All Smiles ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=53 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=53#comments Sun, 28 Sep 2008 07:25:50 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=53 Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.

“Second body: “Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

Montpellier

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=53 0 Deer Hunters ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=42 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=42#comments Fri, 26 Sep 2008 07:07:59 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=42 Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey,” says the lone hunter, “I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.” After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, “Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!” “Yep,” the other added, “but we’re gittin’ further away from the truck….”

The Wine Connoisseur

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=42 0 Big Game Hunter ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=47 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=47#comments Sun, 21 Sep 2008 06:22:04 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=47 The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE!

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=47 0 Redneck Letter ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=57 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=57#comments Sat, 20 Sep 2008 06:45:22 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=57 Dear son,

Im writing this slow cause i know you cant read fast. Your pop read that all accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. Can’t send you the address as the last arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them so they wouldnt have to change their address.

That coat you wanted, aunt billy-mae said it was too heavy with them buttons, so we took them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister had a baby yester morn. Don’t know if its a boy or girl so dont know if youre an aunt or uncle.

Three of your friends went off the bridge last week. One was drivig the other two were in the back. The driver lived, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they coulnt get the talegate down.

Please write back. It you dont get this letter, let me know and i will send another one.

Love, ma

ZEITGEIST

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=57 0 Pictures Are Naughty ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=49 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=49#comments Fri, 19 Sep 2008 06:12:18 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=49 The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of “Guess the Animal”. The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. “Okay, boys and girls,” she said brightly, “can anyone tell me what this is?”

“I know, I know, it’s a cat!” yelled a little boy.

“Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?”

“That’s a dog!” piped up the same little boy.

“Right, again. And what about this animal?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, “I’ll give you a hint, children…it’s something you’re mother calls your father”.

“I know, I know,” screamed Eddie. It’s a horny bastard!”

The Wine Connoisseur

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=49 0 Jewish cuisine ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=50 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=50#comments Wed, 17 Sep 2008 07:33:51 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=50 A Jewish family invited their redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and their hostess announced, “This is soup made with matzo balls.”

Seeing two large matzo balls in the soup, the redneck man was very hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. The Jewish couple gently urged him to try it. “Just give it a taste. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it,” they said reassuringly.

Finally, he agreed to give it a try. He dug his spoon in, picked up a small piece of matzo ball with some soup in the spoon, and gingerly tasted it. The usual ‘mmmm’ sound could be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.

“I must say, that was quite delicious,” he said, “but I was wondering….Are there other parts of the matzo you can eat?”

THE BIBLIOPHILE

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=50 0 You know yours is a Red Neck Church if ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=54 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=54#comments Tue, 16 Sep 2008 06:47:20 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=54 You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:

Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to
know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch ‘em.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows
how to play one.

The pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering.” Then five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole
it couldn’t get out of.”

The choir is known as the “OK Chorale.”

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as “Branding.”

There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church
septic tank.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

The baptismal is a #2 galvanized wash tub.

The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob’s Bar-B-Q, and are
embroidered with his logo.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a ‘56 Chevy.

FRANCE

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=54 0 Are You a Redneck Jedi? ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=55 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=55#comments Mon, 15 Sep 2008 07:02:29 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=55 You might be a Redneck Jedi if…

You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud
Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum
skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the
dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense
electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your
land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke
shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get
in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the
Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood
deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina
scene.

If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle.”

TUNISIA

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=55 0 Kiss ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=66 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=66#comments Sun, 14 Sep 2008 07:00:39 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=66 One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little
boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his
mouth and asked,

“Do you know what it is?”

“No, I don’t,” said the little boy.

“Okay, I’ll give you a clue. It’s the thing your daddy wants from your Mom
before he goes to work.”

That’s when a little girl at the back of the room yelled,

“Spit it out! It’s a piece of ass!!”

SRI LANKA

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=66 0 Tips for Red Necks ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=58 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=58#comments Fri, 12 Sep 2008 06:09:20 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=58 IN GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of her
finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin’ station bathroom
wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer,
it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds
may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not give a blow job while traveling in a funeral procession.

The Wine Connoisseur

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=58 0 Some Strange Church ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=51 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=51#comments Thu, 11 Sep 2008 06:30:44 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=51 karl was telling his buddies back on the farm about his first visit to a big city church. “When I got there, they made me park my old pick-up in the corral,” he began.

“You mean in the parking lot,” interrupted Jeb, a more worldly fellow.

“Then I walked up the trail to the door,” karl continued.

“The sidewalk to the door,” Jeb corrected.

“Inside the door, I was met by some dude,” karl went on.

“That would be the usher,” explained Jeb.

“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” said karl.

“You mean the aisle,” Jeb said.

“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” continued karl.

“Pew,” retorted Jeb.

“Yeah,” karl recalled. “That’s exactly what the pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

MALAWI

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=51 0 Redneck Vacation ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=48 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=48#comments Sun, 07 Sep 2008 10:54:28 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=48 Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I’m gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got
pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline
didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s
different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”

Life in France

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=48 0 The Redneck Oil Change Checklist ~ Redneck Joke http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=61 http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=61#comments Sat, 06 Sep 2008 06:51:09 +0000 Richard http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?p=61 1. Go to O’Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin a cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

Total: $1337

African 419 Scams

]]> http://jokes.the-world-in-focus.com/?feed=rss2&p=61 0